Reflections Upon a Year

What a year it has been...

I don't think my life has ever changed so suddenly and so drastically in one mere moment. Getting married was a change, but it definitely was not a change like this. I won't lie, it was a GREAT year- full of moments that literally sent chills up my spine and make me cry with joy- but it was also one of the absolute, hands down hardest year I've ever had. I thought my first year of teaching was rough, but the first year of being a parent to my own child beats it hands down.

I wanted to jot down so I could remember why it was so great and why it was so hard. I will honestly say, too, that some little switch happens at a year. You pass that milestone and suddenly everything just feels better. I think there's something about going through all four seasons that suddenly made me whole heartedly accept this new life of mine and know that it's all a phase, just one phase after another. The phases I don't love don't last forever, but sadly, the phases I do love pass even quicker. I really understand that we've just got to keep trucking along, doing the best we can because one day, no matter what, we'll be back to a kidless house phase once again.

Lows

• Being alone. Staying at home with my children is always something I wanted to do, but I don't think you can ever be prepared for what it feels like to sit in a house all day by yourself with a baby, especially a new baby. I'd sit for hours in the nursery nursing a baby, and I only had time to do one small thing inbetween. It's the most lonely feeling in the entire world. I would sit and wish upon wish that I could just go back to work so that I could be out, around people, be my old self again and not have to just sit there alone in my house with no one to talk to. It makes me sad even today to think about it. I actually am so excited to have a newborn again (one day, not anytime soon), but I really will be glad to not be alone with that baby again. I'm glad I'll have Luke around to make sure we are getting out and being among people again. It was hard, so hard.
• Nursing a newborn. I nursed Luke every 1.5 hours. That meant I nursed about 45 minutes, had 45 minutes off, and then right back to it. It forced me to be the one to get up at night every single time. I had to be home all of the time so that he could eat, so it was even hard to get out of the house because I had to be back within 45 min-1 hour. It was just the most time consuming thing I've ever done, and I had to be the one to do it. There was really not much way for Trey to help until we gave him a bottle. As one of my friends once told me, it's worse than labor because it's constant over and over for weeks. But it did get better, and I made it through. And now I'm working on weaning him. I thought I'd be sad, but honestly, I'm totally ready and am excited to move on to what's next.
• Always being at home. It took a long time to get used to staying home even after we were on a better nursing schedule, and I was able to get out more. It was just hard because my life was totally different. I didn't know what direction to go in. I'm extremely extroverted, and I felt totally cut off from the world. I know a lot of people struggle with this. In fact, I went to hear a speaker and she said she was not a good newborn mom because she felt like she was in 'baby jail'. I totally understood that statement. Thankfully, I'm now so used to being at home I enjoy my time there more, and I actually choose just to be home many days. But it helps that we have many outlets to get out, so I feel ok being at home because I've chosen to be there, not because I have no where else to go. I still get frustrated some that we can't just go anywhere when we want to- we still have nap time to deal with, but even that's on the upswing. His naps are very predictable now, and since I'm not nursing during the day, I can leave and let Trey have him for a whole afternoon without worrying about taking the pump, missing a feeding, etc. He's slowly not completely reliant on me! I'm slowly getting myself back which feels good.
• Realizing how very hard being a parent is. This is rough. Everyday there's a new challenge. I have been stretched more this past year than any other. You want to be the best parent you can be, but there's so many things out there that sometimes give you a feeling of how much you're failing at this job. Luke's had trouble gaining weight and every time we have a bad doctor's appointment, I  come away with such a huge feeling of failure. What kind of a parent am I if I can't even get him to weigh enough? It's a horrible feeling. Then, you meet people and hear the great things they do with their kids, and you once again feel like you're not measuring up. Then there's a book by an expert that tells you what you should be doing, and once again you feel like you're failing. I've never felt such high highs or low lows in my entire life. They say love is enough, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it. I have to remind myself often that I'm his mom for a reason, and I am enough. It's oh so very hard. I often wish for a crystal ball just to know if everything will be all right, but all I really can do is pray that it will be.

 Highs

• Watching him grow and change. I love that I've watched him go from a helpless newborn to an emerging little boy with a somewhat stubborn streak. The coolest thing has been watching his personality emerge. Even though there are some things that he does that I don't understand at all, it's still fun to watch him become the person he is. It's neat, also, to see parts of me or parts of Trey in him and what he got from each of us, and also parts of him from others in the family. I'm so excited to see more and more of him emerge, and I just have so much fun with him now. He's just so interesting, and I love learning more about him.
• Finding out how much love is in my heart. It's true when people say you don't know love until you have a child. It makes you so much more vulnerable to everything. It's as if your heart is worn on the outside of your body. But it's also so overwhelmingly happy at the same time. I feel more content with life because of how much I love him. I know that as long as I have my family, life is so much better. Even on the hard days, it's a good day because Luke and Trey are there. My heart is so much more open, and even though that's hard, it's so, so good.
• Living my dream of being a mom. I've always wanted kids, and I often find myself thinking why am I so fortunate to have all of these good things in my life. It's a little scary because I have everything I've ever wanted. I'm so very thankful for this life, and I find that I'm happier now than ever before despite the hard. I'm getting to do what I've always wanted to do, and I'm so thankful I have such a supportive husband who works so hard to allow me to do this. I love being with Luke, and it's a wonderful life. I realize that I have to thank God every day for these blessings, and I'm so thankful for this time I've been given.
• Deeper relationships. Not only has being a parent really opened my heart, but it's made room for deeper relationships with people that were already important in my life. Trey and I are now parents for a much more important reason, and I think that's made our relationship different but so much better. We're now truly related through this little guy. We're partners in this journey, and he's the best partner I could have ever asked for. While we sometimes stumble through, it just makes my heart sing to know that I have such a wonderful man to share this journey with and who loves Luke as much as I do. He's willing to give so much to me and him, I feel luckier than ever. I don't take any of him for granted because I know that having a good marriage and loving our child together is something to treasure. I'm so lucky to have him, and I couldn't have done any of this without him. He's been my beacon of light through the rough and calm times. My relationship with my mom has always been really good, but now it's so much better and I realize now how I could never have done a lot of this without her. After having a baby, I feel like your mom is the one true person who understands and can help you through it. She's been through it for one, and she's the one who's really taught you how to be a parent indirectly through your life. She's my rock I look to for advice and support, and I couldn't do this without her for sure. I only hope I can achieve even a small amount of the greatness that she is.
• Realizing how very wonderful being a parent is. This has been a wonderful, amazing, life changing journey. Yes, it's really hard, but it's also so wonderful. I'm so proud of my little man. He's truly the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I'm truly blessed that I was entrusted to be his mom and show him through this world. Yes, he's changed me, but in ways that I needed to be changed, and I'm a better person for it. I love waking up to his smiling face everyday and watching his peaceful face when he's asleep. My heart sings with joy at being able to live my life with him. Being a parent is definitely the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's true that the good far outweighs the bad. I love him and everything that comes with him. This life is good :)